I have a wonderful friend who is kinda like a modern Prov. 31 superwoman. She's friendly and connects with people of all ages. She's prayerful and wise and humble. She's nurturing and invested in relationships. She keeps her house perfectly clean and when she finds that she has low energy, she listens to history courses on tape as she rests on the couch. And since triathlons are not really pregnancy material, she's walked 8 miles most days of her 1st pregnancy to get to and from daily Mass. The interesting thing is, she's human. And I have a sneaking suspicion, she might not actually be practically perfect (that's what she says anyhow), though I haven't caught her at it yet.
But today, this beautiful new mother admitted, "I totally underestimated labor!" And I felt validated, because I think pushing a kid out of your body is pretty tough too, maybe even tougher than a triathlon, but I've never done one to find out.. But, I've done the labor thing three times.
Why is it that a strange part of us feels validated by seeing the weaknesses of others? Perhaps I'm just a really prideful person. C.S. Lewis says in his book The Four Loves that even seeing yourself as weak (what might be termed "bad self-esteem") is actually a form of twisted pride because you claim you should be at a certain level but for mitigating circumstances (excuses), when reality is different. Maybe, I want other people to be weak in ways that I have been weak; I want my idols to fall to my level. But I think all of that is something else--jealousy.
I think that there can be another source to this emotion that is neither pride nor jealousy. It's a feeling of validation as a result of empathy. This communication between souls is less about where one falls in a hierarchy of ability or value and much more about someone saying, "I've walked in your shoes and the toes pinched me too." Our pains are now understood. And while understanding doesn't infuse more value into our suffering, it lessens the burden. Often times when we suffer, we feel as though the challenge of suffering is exacerbated by the pain of misunderstanding and isolation. Or, if we can find someone who understands, that person still may not be the person whom we want and need to understand and empathize.
Our society often treats pain in one of two ways: Be loud about it and get some recompense for the ways you've been victimized, or be quiet and grit your teeth and bear it. I'd propose a third way. Be honest without whining. This summer, I have to be honest with my husband when I've pushed my body too far post-partum and need to rest. But telling him every symptom and every frustration is far from helpful. (That doesn't mean that I don't do that too on occasion...) Sometimes your honesty can help another person or can get you help. For instance, I asked another new mom yesterday how life was with her new little one. She offered a tired smile and said, "Hard." That led to a short conversation about babies with colic, and hopefully, she now has a few helpful tips and the knowledge that her baby is not the only one who thinks the evening should be a waking nightmare. She didn't wallow in self-pity, but she was honest enough to get help.
Christ encouraged his leaders to serve (Matthew 20:16, John 13:14-17), and on the flip side, he encouraged those in lesser positions to lead and speak up (1 Tim 4:12). It's within this joyful dynamic of service and communication that we learn and grow. It is in reaching out to others with honesty and humility that we are best able to be effective in touching hearts and in receiving love. (Hint: the receiving part is just as important as the giving part!!!)
Christ became like us in all things but sin so that we would not just feel validated but be validated. His sufferings actually did make our sufferings more valuable because we can unite them with His Sacrifice (Col 1:24). In so far as we unite our daily joys and sufferings to His action, they can have infinite value. And in His creation and salvation of us, we find our ultimate validation and worth.
Our world craves validation. Facebook likes and comments, tweets and tumblr posts that trend and go viral, publication and re-blogs, pinterest followers, imgur points... I read lots of Christian posts saying that we should reject these "fake" ways of affirming others and find our value in Christ alone. I won't contest the ultimate truth of that statement. But sometimes we also need to consider our role as Christ's workers in the vineyard. Do we just help prune branches or do we fertilize as well? We can be good at validating others by "liking" things they do and by complementing them (at varying levels of sincerity). But do we affirm people by joining them in the good things they do, by letting them know when we share struggles in common, by allowing them to help us when we're weak, and by offering them any wisdom we've gleaned from a common experience? I know--that stuff takes time, attention, effort, sacrifice, and humility. "Liking" something on facebook takes none of those virtues. But I notice that those who are surrounded by a community and family who validate and invest in these more essential ways do not struggle as much with the insecurities and social media addictions that plague the rest of our society.
To my dear friend: Thanks for admitting that labor was hard. You may have thought it an admission of weakness, but your humility is one of your strengths. That virtue will make you a wonderful mother. And meanwhile, you left me feeling affirmed in my own vocation--not just because we both know it's hard, but because we both also know it's WORTH it.
